It’s been a productive day today. Iselilja is at nursery and I have spent the morning doing work while Thora has slept in the pushchair behind me.
Last winter I had a little settlement with myself. I came to the realisation that I needed a new personal challenge. I have been in the same job for many years now, and as a parent that job offers a sense of security which is great. I know what I’m doing and it feels comfy. But being comfortable is not always a good thing. I like my job, and I want to carry on doing it, but I need something else. Something more. As if being a mother of two is not enough to keep busy with…!
After a lot of thinking, and worrying, I decided I needed an academic challenge, but one that didn’t require me leaving my job and plunging in full time. So I signed up for an Open University degree, studying part time! I’m so excited, and also terrified. I haven’t studied for years, and never at this level. I have so many concerns, like how am I going to complete this, what if I fail, what if I’m not clever enough, when am I gonna have time. You know those thoughts you get when you are worried about being a good enough parent? Yeah, those same mum-worries, but about studying. Just an extra layer of worries… It’s a huge commitment, probably one of the biggest commitments I have ever made in my life apart from having children. I’m scared, but it feels like the good kind of scared, the type that push you to becoming better.
So this is what my table currently looks like; there’s books and pens scattered everywhere, biscuits wrappers of course, and cups of tea. I’m sneaking in as much reading as possible during Thora’s naps. And it feels really good. It’s boring sitting around waiting for some kind of epiphany to happen, or for someone else to lead you to the water, sometimes you just have to jump in with both legs and see what happens.